Placing blame is more effective than saying "sorry." As a relationship getsdeeper, women tend to become weaker. Love creates trust, trust leads tovulnerability, vulnerability exposes you to manipulation. The point ofdating like a Spartan was to sniff out manipulators who were after sex,trying to use you financially, or attempting to get comfortable with you withno intention of staying with you once he used you up. Another type ofmanipulation comes during the relationship stage, False Victimization. Itwill be used by men who love you, not to hurt you, but to get their way andmaintain control. As discussed in the previous chapter, men can and willhide all forms of frustration and depression. There are others that won'thide their pain, but use it for sympathy or exploitation. Knowing thatwomen rush in to save men, these males create false grenades for you to fallon. Boyfriend Manipulation preys on your emotions to hijack your brainand gain the upper hand throughout the relationship. You can't yell at himbecause you know how that hurts his feelings. You can't bring up hisspoiled behavior because you know he has Mommy Issues. You can't bringup his financial situation because you know he feels discriminated againstat work. You can't even talk about his weak sex game needing work,because his ex cheated on him, and that will put ideas in his head. Theseboyfriends may have started off great, but once they find out that you arewilling to put up with their bullshit to spare their feelings or cater to a pasttrauma, you become a victim of their con game.

You may have dealt with a man who swore he would commit suicideif you left him. That's not a cause for panic, it's a common ploy. Heprobably used that on the last girl, because he knew that some womenwould rather suffer in a bad relationship then see a man hurt himself. Nomatter how sensitive you are to people going through depression, or if youknow someone who really killed themselves, you have to see a con man forthe piece of shit he is, not become his prisoner. Besides men who use theirinsecurities to keep your tit in their mouth, you may also meet guys who useyour own insecurities as a smokescreen for their dirty deeds. This form offalse victimization relies on him changing the subject of his mistake andplacing blame on your attitude, behavior, or paranoia. Here's an examplethat a reader gave me permission to use:

Miss DC & The Dick of Doom

"...a little more about me, I live in the DC area where I work for the schoolsystem. I have a very acquired sense of humor, history nerd, very sociallyactive not as in clubbing lol, but as in social justice. I volunteer andorganize on behalf of **** which is where I met my current boyfriend. Hisname is **** and it will be 16 months in March. We knew of each other forthe first two then dated for the next three months, have been official since.Our passions and faith align, which is key for me and we are best friends. Iknow you hear that a lot but we really are. The problem is his past. Before Igo into that I will say that I was previously married but for only a year lolsorry I should have said that at the top. I was young and stupid and he wasold and full of shit. That was five years ago and **** is the first guy I havebeen with sexually and relationship wise since my divorce. Your articleeducated fool, was my come to Jesus moment lol. It introduced me to youand I wanted to be a Spartan so bad. There were other men I dated beforebut **** was the first one I actually went after and it lead to something thatI think is special. Before you roll your eyes like why is this girl coming tome if things are so great. I will be honest. I messed it up, NC. I messed it upreal bad and I can't afford to lose him. He has a girl who used to work at**** with him that has become an issue and I didn't handle it right."

[The girl was a platonic friend who her boyfriend had sex with once. Nowthis old girl has moved back to the area.]

"...helping her move in was not an issue. He did not ask mypermission but he did discuss that he was helping a friend. I didn't knowshe was the friend until she calls him on facetime to thank him at 11pm atnight. NC, you know that a woman does not facetime a man at night that's amagic hour, so off that I caught an attitude as if this bitch was trying to playme. He handled the situation properly, told her I was over and we wererelaxing. She apologized and then asked could she say hello to the womanthat stole his heart or some dumb shit like that. I was in my PJs, hairwrapped for sleep, I did not want to speak but he put me in front of her. Fullface of makeup at 11pm I'm not exaggerating. From then I knew I had towatch her...two weeks ago I received a lunch invite from one of the donors,I consider her more of an associate than friend. I did not know if this waspersonal or professional. We begin to talk and she asks about **** and myboyfriend. I was caught by surprise. It didn't seem like gossip at the time,but she brought up that she had seen the two of them having lunch on 14thlast week and then on Monday she passed them in the car around 6pm. OnMonday he told me he had to help his friend out, again did not say her, andI did not go over to his apartment. The donor told **** left town beforebecause she was carrying on with a married man.

I thanked her, took the rest of the day off of work, and I'm not goingto lie yes I cried my eyes out. I asked **** to come over, but he was withhis brother. This is the truth they wanted to include me in their event a daybefore but I declined. So I waited for him to call me to say goodnight. Icouldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I was a mess. I went to our pastor's youtubevideo to hear the word and calm down. That didn't work. I felt so stupid. Iwas even going to go to your website. Instead I tracked down ****mother's address from our database from when she was a member because Icould not find her current address. Yes sir I drove to her mother's home thisis now around ten. And I knock on the door.

The stepfather comes to the door and I ask if he knows where ****lives. I put on a calm voice, smiled, and he was about to give her up whenthe mom came asking what was going on. ...about twenty minutes later**** shows up and I'm sitting on her mom's couch, cool and calm. Sheasks what's going on and I freaking explode. I could not tell you all thethings I said but I accused her in front of her mom and her stepdad ofhaving sex with **** being banished for sleeping around with everymarried man in DC and I wished death on her and eternal damnation lol. Iwas gone out of my head and didn't care.

The mom threatened to call the police but I assured her I was done. Ionly wanted **** to know she could have him. I knew **** was going tocall me once he dropped his brother off and I would tell him then, but twominutes after I pull off, he is blowing up my phone. She called him. I ignorebecause I was so upset I know I would have crashed yelling at him. By thetime I get home he's in my apartment already. He says I crossed the line.Her stepfather has cancer, and I had no right to disturb them. That they areonly friends. I told him about the donor and stood my ground about himsneaking around with her. He pulled out his phone and showed me a textfrom the donor from a month earlier. This bitch was flirting with him viatext and he was telling her off in that same text. She responded withsomething derogatory about me. **** went on to say that the donor was asnake in the grass and that's the only thing he has hid because he didn'twant that to hurt my service work knowing we need her money. I felt likeshit, NC. I got played by that bitch and allowed that devil to corrupt me.This was on Wednesday, we haven't spoken until this morning [This emailwas sent on a Saturday] and he told me that my trust issues from myhusband lead to this, that I didn't fully love him, all I see is my ex, and thatI need to get help. He is willing to stand by me so long as it doesn't happenagain. I'm over my ex-husband, have been for years, I swear. Maybe thereis something else wrong with me that would make me overreact? I don'twant him to leave me? I want to get down deep and fix me. I could fillanother email with all the things **** does for me and look how I behaved.Am I suppressing my marriage? Maybe something else? Do you think youcan help me unblock this stuff?"

Master of Puppets

Miss DC was bat shit crazy, that was my first thought. To track downanother woman, when your man should be the person you confront is theultimate weak bitch trait. She would rather face someone she has noemotional connection to than her boyfriend because she feared pushing himaway with her anger, and I told her as much. However, his story soundedsuspect and his reaction very manipulative. In the weeks that followed thatemail, I asked Miss DC to not distance herself from the donor, but to getcloser. It turns out that the donor wasn't just flirting with Miss DC'sboyfriend, she was sleeping with him for just as long as Miss DC had beenofficial with him. The boyfriend distanced himself, as most do when sidepussy loses its newness. This fallback lead to the donor stalking him,messaging him, and finally taking revenge by snitching to Miss DC aboutthe other woman. The donor wasn't just gossiping she was trying to exposeMiss DC's boo because he had a new side bitch. She told me theserevelations but didn't want to confront her boyfriend in case it was a lie. Ifshe brought more drama home, her boyfriend would leave her, and for aweak woman, love is enough to put up with disrespect. She didn't want togo forward with the truth, so she stopped emailing me.

Nearly a year later Miss DC returned telling me they broke up. Herboyfriend had been sleeping with his so-called friend and that female donor.Her boyfriend used that mother incident to make her feel ashamed enoughto look the other way, which she did, then he became extremely sloppy tothe point where he left evidence out in the open. Her last email to me wasmore of an apology about not listening. I'm never offended when a womandoesn't take my advice, it's not about me being right, it's about the truththey already know but are scared to confront. It wasn't Miss DC'sintelligence; it was her fear that kept her guilt-ridden and a self-madeprisoner to love. She knew that something was going on, but she allowedher want for love to cloud the evidence. Her boyfriend blamed her pastrelationship for her mentally being off, and she fell for it, choosing toquestion her sanity rather than his words. This man was able to make herthink she had insecurities in order to get away with cheating, and shebought into his diagnoses above her own common sense.

I use her extreme to point to what may be your normal. In arelationship, disagreements happen; miscommunication happens. You twowill become upset with one another, but you can't allow blame to be placedat your feet in such an obvious way. This starts with owning up to your ownpettiness, so it can't be used as a ploy. Sometimes, you will be in the wrong,and he has the right to point this out. Know the difference between youbeing unreasonable and him playing puppet master. You wanted to spendtime together, but he couldn't make it. So you caught an attitude as if hedidn't care about the relationship. You told him to do you a favor, he forgotabout it, and you overreacted as if it was purposeful. You didn't listen tosomething he said, he got upset, and you were overly defensive as if hedidn't have the right to be pissed. You accused him of going behind yourback when all you had was a feeling, not real evidence. He called out yourparanoia, and you wouldn't own up to it. Most women go overboard whenthey feel as if something isn't going their way in the relationship, and oftenit will be imagined based on their past fear or current paranoia. You may bemore secure in your emotions, but even you will fuck up. When you do, bewoman enough to accept responsibility for your actions.

A Spartan does not carry insecurities into a relationship nor does shebecome so engulfed in love that she allows new insecurities to grow basedon the fear of losing her man to another woman or losing her man toboredom. Those fears project distrust that causes arguments where a manwill be on the defensive. Two people who are too stubborn to communicatewill always invite drama into their relationship, and no matter how manytimes you make up, your relationship will grow weaker over time, notstronger. That shouldn't be in your character at this stage of your evolution.Stay the course and do not let negative thoughts take you back to that weakplace where everyone is out to get you. Once you become woman enough toown up to your faults, you become immune to guilt trips. There can be noblame placed on your mental state once you erase second thoughts that youare acting out of irrational feelings.

Seeing Through His Act

If your boyfriend is crying about you not making time for him, but youknow that you spend the majority of your free time with him, then hisvictim baiting won't work. Unlike a typical bitch that would race over andgive in with, "I'm sorry babe, I didn't mean to be so busy," you can checkhim with receipts. "I've spent 4 hours a day over the last five days with you,and I stayed the night last Saturday, don't lay that shit on me." Do not let aman game you like a little boy game's his mother. Men want what theywant when they want it; be smart enough to know that isn't love, it'scontrol. The more you become caught up in being at his disposal the morehe expects it, which translate to you ending up in a marriage where youcan't breathe without him giving you the okay. Because you are so no-nonsense and forward, a man will try to use your strength against you. Hewill call you mean, say you're bossy, or make passive remarks about howyou always have to be right. These are bitch checks. They aren't as brutal orvicious as those men who look to tear down women and abuse them, butthey work in the same manner. As a Spartan, you will see through what mendo, you know their motivation before they can even verbalize it, and thiswill lead to them trying to bring you down to the level of other women.By putting thoughts in your mind that you are too strong, a manplants the seeds of loss. Your boyfriend will hint that you are in trouble ofpushing him away by exercising control, which can cause you to let thingsslide, bite your tongue, or limit your personality to fit into his "be a nicegirl" box. Take inventory of your personality, and prove that he's full ofshit. Being mean is cursing him out for something small like hanging out anhour later than he planned or not taking the trash out. Being bossy is alwaysmaking him do things or go places you want to go without compromise.Being a know-it-all is you constantly chiming in with an opinion, instead ofhaving a two-sided discussion. You should know your personality at thispoint and how to co-exist with people in a way that's not narcissistic,abrasive, or condescending. When a man tries to check you withaccusations, all you have to do is present facts.

This isn't an argument where you wag a finger in his face like, "Nameone thing! Name one thing!" That's not how you prove your point. Youneed to look at the situation, then prove your truth with evidence. Let's sayhe's calling you mean because he's sick, and you don't have time to comeover and baby him. He ignores your call or says, "I'd do it for you, selfishass." Remind him that while you know he's not feeling well; you havethings you have to do first. If being responsible is mean in his world, thenso be it. You aren't going to change your life for any man and he needs toknow that now, not later.

Men are like bullies, you stand up to them once, you shut them downforever. You must be Spartan enough not to give a fuck about how he takesit. The fear that he will leave you, start talking to a woman who "gets" him,or any weak thought which pops into your head, is counterproductive toyour mission. If a man wants to leave you because your personality is toostrong or you won't kiss his ass and mommy him, then let him leave! Youare a Spartan, the same way you found him, you can find one even better.By going through such a pussy of a man, you learn how to spot this breedeven earlier during the screening stage. Men tend to blame women in an actof reverse psychology meant to make their lives easier. By pointing to youas having an attitude, being mean, or not seeing things from his viewpoint,it stops you from digging deeper into his behavior.

Is he a victim or is he like some dirty cop that gets caught, and has toreframe the evidence to make it seem like you were at fault? Know yourbehavior, know your flaws, and know the difference between you being inthe wrong versus a man using your behavior as a motive for his dirt. A guywill blame cheating on the fact that you went out for a night with yourfriends. He will blame losing a job on you not being around to talk to himabout his stress. He will even blame not calling you for a week onsomething you said that offended him. All of these things are meant to putyou back in check, to let him get away with whatever sneaky shit he's beendoing, and to send a message to you that this relationship is built on hissensitivity. Do not walk on eggshells for any man, do not cast doubt on yourown sanity, and never surrender power to a manipulator.