Although Southern was a terrible, terrible place, it did give me one great thing in my life- a true friend. Judy was a gift from God, and still is. If you're lucky, you meet someone who

gives meaning and direction to your life. I met two people like that - Charlie and Judy. Judy andI have been friends since the first day we met in 1963. Before that, I'd never had a friend. I'dnever had a person I loved. It was love at first sight for Judy and me, and I don't mean romanticlove. I mean platonic love of two people who up to that time had no one in their lives to lovethem and to love back.

I clearly remember that first day I met Judy. I had just been taken from the hospital to theward, and I was lying in bed totally devastated, thinking that I would probably spend the rest ofmy life lying in that bed doing nothing, just wasting away. I was thinking that this was worsethan being back in Chicago. There I had a chance to escape someday, but here at Southern, therewas no chance of escape. And I was doing something I rarely did, I was crying. Tears just keptgushing out of my eyes. So many bad things happened to me in the past and I didn't cry. I didn'tcry when I saw my dead mother in the morgue. I didn't cry when that awful doctor examined meand told me I was pregnant. I felt that being in Southern was rock bottom. But then Judybounced onto the side of my bed. She heard from the grapevine that I was a normal who just hada baby. As I stared at the ceiling through tear-filled eyes, she came into my view. I can stillpicture that smiling face and her non-matching eyes. She greeted me in a loud voice."Hello Mary. As one normal person to another, I'd like to officially welcome you toSouthern State School for the Feebleminded. I'm Judy Smith and I'm going to be your friend. Sostop crying and begin living. TA-DA."

Can you imagine a greeting like that? She must have chattered non-stop for ten minutes.Suddenly I interrupted her and asked, "Where am I? What is this place? Is it a jail or anuthouse? Why am I here?"

"You are at Southern State School for the Feebleminded. It's not a school. It's aninstitution for people who are retarded. In a way it's a jail, but not for people who commitcrimes. It's for people who are retarded. Do you know what retarded means?""Yes, and I'm NOT retarded."

I conjured up memories of some of the retarded people who lived in my neighborhood.They walked the streets with their mouths open and their tongues hanging out and grunting.

There was one boy who was put out on a front step for the day to sit and masturbate. I thoughtof them as savages. I was nothing like those horrible people. I wasn't retarded. I wasn't crazy."I've got to get out of here. Someone made a terrible mistake. I don't belong here.""You can't get out, and anyway you're a kid and you have no place to go. You're stuckhere. There are a lot of bad things about being here, but there are also some good things and oneof them is meeting me. I'm not retarded either. We're the two normals in this ward so we'regoing to stick together."

"Will I be here forever?"

"I hope not. I hope we'll both get out someday and maybe we can be roommates like weare now. Only right now we have 58 other roommates and I don't want to take them with mewhen I leave.

Mary, I'm going to teach you how to live at Southern. It's really not that bad. There aresome nice people here, and you'll find that you can do just about anything if you learn thesystem. I'll show you where I work and then hopefully you'll get a job that'll be interesting andwhere you can learn something. I've learned so much in the sewing shop. I'm the best seamstressat Southern and that's saying a lot because there are some pretty good sewers here. I canembroider and knit anything."

She held up her hands and said, "These 10 fingers can work magic. I found my talent, andwe'll find what you can do and make you talented too. Do you believe me?"I said "no," and we both laughed. And then she hugged me. This was a human being whowas hugging me. I couldn't believe it. I melted at the human contact. She told me she was sohappy that there would be another normal she could talk to. I think from that first moment wemet, we both knew we'd be life-long friends, and we are. Judy saved my life that day, and thenshe saved my life again 13 years later. I firmly believe that God sent Judy to me.Judy is a miracle when you consider her life. She was 17, four years older than me, andhad been born at Southern. Yes, born at Southern! She was born to a retarded mother and anormal man who worked there. That was not uncommon. There was a lot of sexual contact

between the people in the institution, especially in good weather when thick bushes providedprivacy. There were even cases of people doing it in large refrigerators. You'd think the coldwould slow them down, but it didn't. People, all kinds of people, can be very inventive whentheir sex drive is calling.

Anyhow Judy was born at Southern, but couldn't be adopted because she was born withtwo club feet even though she was normal in every other way. There was no medical treatmentfor her club feet then or if there was, it wasn't going to be given to someone born in aninstitution for the retarded. So there was no consideration of her being adopted. She's certainlynot the only one who was born and raised in an institution. And almost all of the people who areborn in an institution for the retarded are normal. All the ones I knew at Southern were normal. Ifkids were born at the institution and they looked normal, they were given up for adoption. Likeyou. But if they had some visible handicap like club feet or a cleft lip, they were kept in theinstitution.

She was named Judy Smith, Judy after Judy Garland because one of the delivery roomnurses had just seen The Wizard of Oz and loved Judy Garland; and Smith because her fatherwasn't identified. Judy is sure that the workers at Southern knew who her father was, but he wasprotected because he was one of them. She didn't know who her mother was. No one would tellher. Whenever we were with older retarded women, I'd see her examining them to see if sheresembled any of them, but she never found her mother.

Judy looked normal except for her strange way of walking because of her club feet. Shewas often mistaken for a worker at Southern, and not a resident. If she wanted to, she could havewalked out the front door, and no one would have stopped her. Only she didn't have anywhere togo since she had lived her whole life at Southern.

Judy was rail thin, but muscular and strong. She had thin lips and a small hooked nose.She had clear white skin and straight light brown hair. She had one blue eye and one brown eyewhich made her unforgettable. When I looked at her, I played a game of looking at one eye for afew seconds and then switching to the other.

You would never guess who raised Judy - 10 higher level retarded women in the youngwomen's ward. After she was born, her crib was placed in the middle of the ward and some of

the women in the ward were given time off of work to mother her. They fed her and cleaned herand played with her. And most importantly, they gave her affection. Like normal women, theyhad maternal instincts that were being satisfied by baby Judy. She spent much of her first twoyears being rocked in a rocker as a retarded woman hugged her and sang to her and talked to her.She had 10 mothers who miraculously provided her with the equivalent of one biologicalmother's nurturing. Some of these women were still around when I was there, and when theysaw Judy, they hugged her and chatted like old friends. If it hadn't been for these women, Judywould never have developed into Judy.

When Judy was about six, there was an attendant in the children's ward who took a likingto her and taught her to read and do some math. Being of normal intelligence, Judy had notrouble getting to about third grade reading and math. But Judy had a special talent for sewingand other hand crafts. From the age of 12 until she was deinstitutionalized at 27, she worked inthe sewing room as a seamstress making and repairing the clothes the residents wore. She wasthe best tailor at Southern. She loved creating things with her hands. She knitted andembroidered whenever she was given the opportunity.

When you consider both of our upbringings, it's more surprising that Judy rather than Ideveloped normally. At least I had been in the outside world and I saw what was sorta normal.Judy never had that chance. She was so lucky to have been raised by the retarded womenbecause they gave her affection which is the most important requirement for becoming human.But I can't explain how I became human because I never had affection in my first 13 years oflife. Maybe God intervened when I found Him and through His love, I became human. That's theonly explanation I can find.

We've talked a lot over the years about how we're both miracles. How was it possible forboth of us to become good people? Maybe one of the reasons we've bonded so tightly is becausewe've overcome unbelievable adversities, and are good people in spite of our experiences. Whatwas it in our genes that made it possible for us to become good people? And what made itpossible for Judy to become normal intellectually? Where did she get her language skills and herthinking skills? As Judy says, "I'm a mystery." And the mystery is that she knows that word!

I got to know the meaning of friendship with Judy. We shared every idea that came intoour heads. Never had I talked about feelings or past experiences or dreams for the future withanyone. The more we talked, the more I thought about my life, and most importantly I started todream about a future, a life outside of Southern. She gave me hope and without hope, it's hard tolive. You just exist like an animal.

Judy taught me about the city called Southern State School for the Feebleminded and itsinhabitants. It really was like a city with its own laws and rules which were made by the powers-that-be. And she showed me the different neighborhoods and ethnic groups. The neighborhoodswere the different wards and the ethnic groups were the different levels of residents. There werepeople who ran the institution, just like a mayor and police. Some of the attendants, especiallythose in charge acted like they were prison guards, and in a way they were. Some were cruel andthey beat people. Just a few, but they did lasting damage.

I'll always remember seeing cruelty for the first time at Southern. There was this womanwalking down the hall moaning and clutching her stomach. She was obviously sick. As shewalked by this attendant, she vomited. It was this projectile type of vomiting so a little bit of thevomit got on his shoes. He went berserk. He screamed at her, and then grabbed some rags froma nearby cleaning cart and told her to clean his shoes and then wipe the floor. He didn't care thatshe was sick. As she started to clean his shoes, she doubled over as poop came running downher legs, and of course some of it got on his shoes. The attendant exploded. He screamedprofanity at her and slapped her so hard that she fell backwards right into the vomit. He kickedher with the shoe with the vomit on it and then he held her head to the shoe and told her to lick itclean. He was out of control. Two other attendants stopped him. I think he would have beatenher to death if they hadn't pulled him off her. They got a resident to take her back to her wardand another one to clean the floor. After seeing this, I was reminded of a similar situation Iexperienced when I was in second grade. I recalled Mr. Shields making me wipe up my pee onthe floor of his office after he had paddled me. Vicious cruelty was following me. First Iexperienced it, and now this poor woman experienced it. Of course nothing happened to thatattendant. I saw him a few days later. I looked at his shoes. They were shiny. What happened tothe sick woman? I don't know, but I do know that how she was degraded by that animal wasworse than any physical sickness she had.

Believe it or not, I had practically no contact with the people who ran the institution untilDr. Warner came into my life. I had contact with the people who worked on our ward and withthe people I worked with in the baby ward. I didn't want to have contact with anyone elsebecause I didn't know what they would do to me. Interestingly, I didn't see a psychologist untilafter I left Southern. So there was no opportunity for me to be retested and prove that I didn'thave a 65 IQ. But it didn't matter because I wasn't going anyplace no matter what my real IQwas. It didn't matter if my IQ was 165. I was stuck in Southern. I was lost in the masses ofresidents, and as long as I didn't make any trouble, I was invisible and that was fine with me.Judy showed me all the buildings and wards. The secret of getting around Southern wasto act like you knew where you were going, and then no one questioned you. She took me to thelocked back wards and the area with solitary confinement cells. These were horrible, but shewanted me to see the very worst of Southern. She didn't want me to think that everyone atSouthern lived as "nicely" as we did, and I say the word nicely with quotation marks. Living in award at Southern was horrible, but living in the back wards was pure hell.There was a woman in my ward named Eunice who was sent to solitary confinement. Ididn't know her well. She was in her own world and didn't communicate with anyone much. Shescared us because she was always hurting herself and we were afraid she'd hurt us. She hadalways bitten herself, but her self-mutilation was getting worse. She would bite her arms untilthey bled. When an attendant tried to stop her, she'd bite the attendant. They put her in a straightjacket for the rest of the day and that calmed her. When this happened again, she was sent tosolitary confinement for seven days. When she came back to the ward, she mumbled to herselfall the time. She wouldn't talk to any of us. Her self-mutilation got worse when she found aknife. Fortunately it was dull so she couldn't hurt herself much, and when some of the womensaw the knife, they took it away. After that she was transferred to one of the wards for the violentresidents never to be seen again. She was exiled to the land of the forgotten.The locked wards were like the old lunatic asylums. The madhouses. I'm sure you knowthe word bedlam. Well that word comes from the name of a horrible, horrible institution inLondon. There was total bedlam there and there was total bedlam in the locked wards ofSouthern. If I ever thought of misbehaving in any way, the memory of those locked wards keptme on-track.

Judy loved to show off her workplace - the sewing room. It was more than herworkplace; it was her studio. She was so proud of it and the work she did there. This was whereshe did her required work, but this was also where she created beautiful things. She was an artist.There were other women who worked there, sewing and repairing the clothes for the thousandsof residents at Southern. Although there was an attendant in charge, Judy really was in charge.She handed out the work to the other seamstresses and told them what to do and the schedule tofollow. She examined what everyone did to make sure that everything was done right. Some ofthe other seamstresses were normals, some higher level residents, and some people from town. Aresident of Southern State School for the Feebleminded was in charge of 10 seamstresses. Gofigure.

The first time Judy took me to the sewing room, she showed me how the sewingmachines worked. She took some material and in a minute or two she had a shirt. Her club footpumped the treadle at high speed and her hands moved the material at different angles tomiraculously produce an article of clothing. Then she proudly showed me some of theneedlepoint she was working on for the staff. The quality of her workmanship was well-knownthroughout Southern so she embroidered all kinds of things that the staff wanted for their housesor for gifts. She embroidered pillowcases and table covers which would grace the homes of thestaff, where they were probably the prettiest things in the house. She knitted sweaters for staffmembers who gave her the materials and patterns. When she sewed or knitted, her fingers flew.In fact, they moved so fast, they were a blur. She especially liked knitting sweaters for newborns.She had her pink wool for girls and blue wool for boys. This talent really helped when she wasdeinstitutionalized. She got a job as a seamstress in a factory, and eventually became asupervisor there. At Southern, she was in charge of 10 women and at Midwest Clothing she wasin charge of a 100 women. She has also continued to do embroidering and needlepoint. I havesome beautiful pieces she's made for me. And she's made things for everyone in her family, andshe has a huge family. A woman who was born and raised in an institution for the retarded.Unbelievable how talent can come out even in that setting. I think she's evidence that Godblesses some people and guides them to make a difference in the world. She is one of God'schosen.

We arranged to have our beds placed next to each other, and before we went to sleep eachnight we shared our dreams for the future. Someday we'd have an apartment together and go ondates and to parties. We'd both work and wear nice clothes to our jobs. We'd wear high heels,even Judy with her club feet. We'd get a pet - a dog for me and a cat for Judy. We created afuture together. How important that was for our mental health. Even though we knew we mightnever get out of Southern, we knew we had to dream. When we talked about getting out ofSouthern, we knew that we had to use our skills as a way of getting discharged - her skill as aseamstress and mine as a nurse's helper. We knew we had to excel so that someday we could goto the powers-that-be and argue for our release. Little did we know that we would never have toargue for our release. Events out of our control freed us.

Not only did Judy help me dream about a future, she helped me understand my past. Ofcourse, I told her everything about my first 13 years of life. I mentally beat myself up over theslut I was, but Judy kept telling me that it wasn't my fault and I could never blame myself forwhat I'd done. She blamed my mother. She hated my mother more than I did because she knewmore than anyone how important mothers were and she despised Eileen for screwing up my life.She said that she admired me for my goodness. Like Cora Jensen, she saw goodness in me. Shemarveled at how I, too, had been able to overcome my childhood and develop into a goodperson. We were a mutual admiration society. We each respected the other for what we hadmade of ourselves. I don't know how we learned to do this, but I do know that by seeing thegoodness in me Judy was able to make me an even better person. I think fondly of our longconversations about life. Two orphans in an institution talking about the meaning of life. That iswhat college girls do and for us, Southern State School for the Feebleminded was our college.I'd told Judy about my using safety pins for protection in the past. She told me that shemight start doing the same thing. She said there were unsafe places and dangerous people atSouthern, but if you stayed in well-traveled areas and avoided scary people, you could survivesafely. But if not, you could be raped. She said that we were especially vulnerable because wewere normals, and not bad looking. She even thought that I was pretty. No one ever called mepretty before. Maybe compared to the women at Southern, I was pretty. Really Judy was thepretty one. It was hard to see her beauty in her drab clothes and ugly haircut, but when she gotout of Southern, she let her hair grow long and she wore makeup. Her thin, angular body made

anything she wore look stylish. Then her beauty became apparent to everyone, not just me, herbiggest fan. I told her that I had swiped a few safety pins on my first visit to the sewing room. Ihad them pinned to the inside of my dress just in case I ever needed them. After that, she gaveme several large pins. They proved life-saving later.

When we met, Judy was 17 and ready for sex. And I mean ready. Her hormones lit herup like a Christmas tree when she saw a guy she was attracted to. Judy flirted with every decentlooking guy who might satisfy her needs. In fact, she flirted with any guy even if he was ugly.She flirted with the attendants and the normals and even the higher level residents. The yearbefore I got to Southern, she had had a romantic relationship with a higher level resident, but itnever got beyond kissing and petting for two reasons: it was hard to find a private place to havesex and the boy was afraid to have sex.

During her 18th year, Judy had several sexual encounters that finally resulted in her losingher virginity. First there was Tony. He was a normal boy from Chicago who had been placed atSouthern because he'd knifed a man during a robbery. His mother was dead and his father was injail. His grandmother had taken care of him in the past, but didn't want him anymore. So, likeme, he ended up at Southern even though he didn't belong there. He prided himself on lookingtough and glared at people when he looked at him. He sent the message that he would hurt themif they did something he didn't like. He was scary. Although Tony was only 15, he wasexperienced at sex and he was interested in Judy. He was dark and muscular and handsome. Judywas smitten.

Tony was given the job as a people mover because he was physically strong. He pickedpeople up and put them in wheelchairs or on stretchers and took them where they had to go andthen he picked them up and put them back in bed. Because he was a human delivery man, he gotaround to many wards at Southern. When he and Judy saw each other, they communicated thatthey were interested in each other. They talked briefly and arranged to meet in the sewing shopafter everyone left. As soon as he entered the room, he attacked her. He pulled his penis out andtried to put it in Judy's mouth. She was not prepared for this so she bit down. He screamed withpain and hit her. She fumbled for the safety pin she had put on her dress, found it, opened it, andtried to stick it in his penis, but instead got his stomach. He screamed as he doubled over inshock. Somehow Judy escaped back to the ward. When we got to talk at dinner, she unloaded a

vivid description of what had happened. Her biggest fear was that Tony would retaliate and harmher in some way. She knew he was dangerous. But she didn't worry for long. He attacked a nursein the hospital ward and was sent to solitary confinement and then transferred to a jail eventhough he was only 15. He probably got lost in the prison system for the rest of his life. Maybehe deserved it and maybe he was just a kid who needed sex and didn't know how to get it theright way. It's hard enough being a 15 year old with a sex drive living in the outside world. It'simpossible to be a 15 year old with a sex drive living in an institution.After that, Judy was careful in her selection of potential sex partners. Finally, she foundClarence. What a perfect name for him. He was a local yokel from a farm. He looked like acountry bumpkin with straw-like blond hair and freckles and the biggest ears I'd ever seen.When I saw the Dumbo children's book years ago, I thought of Clarence. My Charlie has bigears, but they're nothing compared to Clarence's. He was 20 years old and had worked atSouthern for four years. He worked on the loading dock and made deliveries all over theinstitution. Although he had gone to school up till the 8th grade, he was illiterate. Judy could readand write better than he could. He also talked with a strong country drawl so sometimes it washard to understand what he was saying. She met him when he made a delivery to the sewingroom. After they talked for a while, they arranged to meet in the sewing room after everyone left.As soon as Clarence entered the room, Judy took him to a huge pile of clothes awaiting repair.They laid down and in no time, had intercourse. Judy was elated. At last she had lost hervirginity and to a worker who might provide the key to her getting out of Southern. Judy joyfullyshared her first sexual experience with me. She vividly described each detail as if I didn't knowanything about sex. When I asked her if he used a condom, she said no. I insisted she make himwear one or she would end up like her mother having a child who would be a third generationresident of Southern. Fortunately, Clarence did wear condoms and for the next three months,they had a twice-weekly relationship with each enjoying the sex. Clarence even brought Judypresents. He usually gave her candy and once he gave her a pretty barrette. After three months,Judy told me that she was going to ask Clarence to marry her and get her out of Southern. Iwarned her that it was too early and that she should continue their relationship for a while untilClarence was convinced that he couldn't live without her. But Judy couldn't wait. At the end oftheir next time together, Judy asked Clarence to marry her and get her out of Southern. Hisreaction crushed Judy. First, he laughed at her. He said that he'd never marry a retard, even

though he knew she wasn't retarded. He said that his family would never approve and anyhowthere was no way he could get her out of Southern. When Judy and I were together that evening,she sobbed uncontrollably. This was not the strong Judy I knew. This was the Judy who had herfirst dream of freedom demolished. This was a broken Judy. She said that he only wanted her forsex. I didn't want to say that she only wanted him for sex too, but more than that she was usinghim to escape from Southern.

Over the rest of the time we were at Southern, Judy had off and on sexual relations withvarious guys, but they were just to satisfy her sexual needs. She never found a guy she liked.That would happen when she got out of Southern. She always tried to get me interested infinding a guy for sex, but I was totally uninterested in sex. I had found no joy in sex for the yearand a half when I was a hooker. I had no intention of ever having sex again. My sex drive wasdead, or as I was to learn later, just dormant.